Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
