dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
