enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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