it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
