Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
