hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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