Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
people are starting to question the shark bite story
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
