Where did you get a picture of my penis
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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