I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
