my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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