i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
the liver wants what the liver wants
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
