I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
