woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
