If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
