the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
