he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
