my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My breasts were aching with rage.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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