I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize