Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize