i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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