I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
