Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
even my farts smell like vagina
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
