Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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