my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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