Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize