I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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