I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
