Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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