peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
