Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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