I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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