1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
