You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
