There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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