I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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