The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
