judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize