Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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