I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize