Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
