It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Randomize
