I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
