Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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