his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
