he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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