i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize