a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We're facebook friends in real life
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
