I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
