Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
