our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
