dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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