i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
