dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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