You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
