o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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