I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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