i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
