I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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