So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
