you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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