Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
