My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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