As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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