I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
