I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
