I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
