proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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