Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
