I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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