I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
